i am never alone, even when i am

he was warm, the way pockets are on a windy fall day, you don't need them but they are nice to have.

i knew i was not interested the way he was, or maybe i just was too confused to understand what being interested meant.

too eager and naive to know the difference between lust and genuine affection. always thinking i felt the latter when really it was just the former in sheep's clothing. because sheep, as we all know, are cuddly and cute, the kind of animal people see and go "awwwww" whereas lust is the wolf, it is dangerously beautiful, but elicits no "awww" or at least it doesn't for me. and what else matters really?

i get bored easily, i know this. i know this is a profound flaw because unlike some people who get bored with bands or movies or other somewhat inconsequential things (in the grand scheme of things) i get bored with feeling(s). i don't know how this problem will play out in my life, maybe it's a phase, a really long phase that has lasted my entire life thus far, but there's a chance it'll pass.

i blame my mother and father, because that's easy and cliches make me feel safe. i also blame my parents because they lacked the foresight to conceive me at a time when i wouldn't bear this zodiac burden. the sagittarius, the archer. forever chasing some whim, the ultimate playboy or girl in my case. i never thought of myself that way, i am not especially adept at catching mates. i have slept with two people in my life, both of which were HUGE mistakes, each for different reasons obviously. but i realized that i do play with people, and by people i mean boys. i have toyed. i have said things just to make people feel some illusive and passing version of affection. i have said things that make people think "yeah she's on my side" when i really have no idea what side i'm on or even what situation led to anyone being in opposition to anyone else. i've made eyes at someone, just for fun, because i know that in the end i make the decisions. and i can always leave. even though most of the time i don't.