my irrational fears

ever since i can remember, which doesn't really say much since i actually remember very little from growing up, i have had a bit of a pension for irrational fears.

for a long time i was both:

1. terrified to touch laundry detergent containers
2. terrified to be anywhere in the vacinity of raw meat

i was convinced that should i lack the will power to avoid these two above mentioned things at all costs it would undoubtedly lead to my demise/erasure from the living world.

for about 5 solid years of my young adult life i was irrationally afraid of knowing which side of the body the appendix is on, because obviously this knowledge would make me irrationally afraid every time that side of my body was in any pain. if i had a pain on the left side of my torso i would repeat "the appendix is on the right side of the body...i think, right? right? right?" OVER AND OVER in my head and vice versa if the pain was on my right side, these pains were usually gas, obvi.

when i was 15 an episode of law & order convinced me that i had toxic shock syndrome...i was convinced of this even though i had never up to that point in my life used a tampon, let alone left one in my body long enough to be harmful to my health.

i also STILL have to knock on wood every time i even THINK about a plane i will be flying on or anyone i know will be flying on crashing. this horrible thought, naturally, comes to mind every time i think about planes. so i knock on wood all the time, ironically when i "knock on wood" to ensure that the worst will not happen i don't actually HAVE to be knocking on real wood, or even fake wood. i knock on concrete, dry wall, plastic, matresses, basically whatever is closest to my hand at the time. the only thing that ensures the knocking on wood will work, besides knocking on something, is that i say over and over to myself "knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood" until the bad thoughts go away.

sometimes i worry that i spend so much time worrying about what could go wrong in any given situation that i am not actually doing all of the things i want to do. and when your biggest worry is that you worry too much, how do you ever stop WORRYING?!