i am never alone, even when i am

he was warm, the way pockets are on a windy fall day, you don't need them but they are nice to have.

i knew i was not interested the way he was, or maybe i just was too confused to understand what being interested meant.

too eager and naive to know the difference between lust and genuine affection. always thinking i felt the latter when really it was just the former in sheep's clothing. because sheep, as we all know, are cuddly and cute, the kind of animal people see and go "awwwww" whereas lust is the wolf, it is dangerously beautiful, but elicits no "awww" or at least it doesn't for me. and what else matters really?

i get bored easily, i know this. i know this is a profound flaw because unlike some people who get bored with bands or movies or other somewhat inconsequential things (in the grand scheme of things) i get bored with feeling(s). i don't know how this problem will play out in my life, maybe it's a phase, a really long phase that has lasted my entire life thus far, but there's a chance it'll pass.

i blame my mother and father, because that's easy and cliches make me feel safe. i also blame my parents because they lacked the foresight to conceive me at a time when i wouldn't bear this zodiac burden. the sagittarius, the archer. forever chasing some whim, the ultimate playboy or girl in my case. i never thought of myself that way, i am not especially adept at catching mates. i have slept with two people in my life, both of which were HUGE mistakes, each for different reasons obviously. but i realized that i do play with people, and by people i mean boys. i have toyed. i have said things just to make people feel some illusive and passing version of affection. i have said things that make people think "yeah she's on my side" when i really have no idea what side i'm on or even what situation led to anyone being in opposition to anyone else. i've made eyes at someone, just for fun, because i know that in the end i make the decisions. and i can always leave. even though most of the time i don't.

what rhymes with financial ruin?

in an attempt to stop spending so much damn money in this god forsaken city i have started researching free events/booze.

there actually is a lot of cool stuff out there for zero beans, which is delightful.

www.freenyc.net

www.clubfreetime.com/new_york.asp

and my favorite: www.myopenbar.com

it's gonna be a great fall.

3 hours of hand painting...

DONE.

phase 1...complete

I have completed the initial outline work for my Watchmen T-shirt.

Jealous?

things i am not, in no particular order

1. an accountant - not contrary to anyone's belief. i doubt anyone in the world has ever looked at me and thought..."yeah i bet she's good with numbers."

2. a "player" - i am pretty sure that being one might make my life easier, but only because i have incredibly cliched ideas of romance and dating and closeness in general.

3. a man - i note this for two reasons, 1. i have a non-gender specific name, 2. i currently have a cold and was told my voice sounded about two octaves deeper than normal, and i guess i am normally two octaves away from sounding like a man.

4. a girly girl - because i just can't do it.

that's all for now.

if you know me in real life feel free to add to this list for me. could be interesting no?

unpacking always yields interesting rediscovery

So I'm one of those people who doesn't really throw things away. I fear that someday I will own a house and as I get older it will just become amassed with "stuff". I will be a hoarder. On the other hand I have a serious interest in organization, and organizational tools. In fact, I can organize the shit out of someone else's life, but mine...I like the illusion of organization in my own life, however I truly am a mess.

But anyways, since I recently moved I of course am still in the process of unpacking.

Today I found an old notebook I apparently wrote a lot of poems in, for example:

.on road trips.

the darkness in my eyelids becomes consumed
with hazy images of the moon
divorced from the sun
one only coming up when the other descends

my eyes readjust ceaselessly
like when the only sleep you've gotten
is light
and interspersed between states
flying by the window

like houses filled with lives you'll never know

and lastly
there is the silhouette of you
on mornings i woke up
thinking that love
was a warm body next to me

I think I wrote that while in a car driving to the Bonarroo music festival, obviously I was becoming disillusioned with the relationship I was in at the time. Then there is this poem, which was collectively written by me and some friends as we walked 20 miles for Boston's "Walk for Hunger":

.on walking 20 miles (for hunger).

hunger on a muggy morning
two-legged desire forming
while stationary hominids cheer...

why aren't you walking?

Lastly in the poem department is this one:

.this is a "me" problem.

i want to know your voice
at every intonation
and volume
from the sound of you
whispering in my ear
to the scream you'd let out
if i dumped all of my problems at your feet

I believe I wrote that while in my junior year of college about an unrequited crush I had had for quite a while on a boy who will remain nameless.

I also wrote a lot of random notes in this book, quotes I like, random thoughts...such as:

"much of what we see as complex behavior is actually simple responses to a complex environment" - Sherry Turkle

"don't tease me about my hobbies, I don't tease you about being an asshole"
which I think might be from Magnolia...because right above where I wrote that there is a note that says "I need to see Magnolia again"

I still have not seen Magnolia again

I also wrote "the gulf war did not happen" which I'm pretty sure was something this girl in a class I took said, if I remember correctly she also believed the moon landing did not happen. God I loved college.

So it is rediscoveries like this notebook that make me happy I never throw things out, maybe someday it will be a horrible handicap but for now my hoarding provides me with a lot of entertainment.

"i'm no island...peninsula maybe"

For my first blog post EVER I would like to highlight some songs that have carried me through my last year or so of life. These are songs that have made me feel incredibly happy or incredibly sad, songs I could not help but dance to, songs that made me stop in my tracks, sit and.or lay down and just simply listen, and songs that I annoyingly played on repeat in my house.car.workplace.etc.

1. Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You) by UGK feat. Outkast - seriously, this song has not worn on me at all, I still play it every time I am on a road trip at least 3 times.

2. Sleep Head by Passion Pit - there is something strange about people you went to school with starting to have real and tangible success, I suppose it is equivalent to how people older than me feel when all of their college buddies start getting engaged or having babies.

3. Skinny Love by Bon Iver - I have always really wanted to be able to sing, which is not to say that I can't sing, I mean I can hold a tune...I'm certainly not tone deaf by any stretch of the imagination, but really what I am getting at is that more than wanting to sing, I have always wanted to be able to sing like a man. I would want to sing like those men with vulnerability in their voice, ones that crack and warble...this song makes me want to sing like such a man more than any I've heard in a long time.

4. So Long to the Headstrong by Fleet Foxes - There is a line in this song that goes "of all the places I've laid down my head, I think of two I regret" and that is all I have to say about that one...

5. Nantes by Beirut - This is the first Beirut song that I really fell in love with and I first heard a live version of it he did walking down some street in Paris or somewhere equally as cultured and exotic, and of course by exotic I just mean not American, but it's just a gorgeous song especially when the whole band comes in and it's loud and lush. The idea behind it is just so complicatedly simple.

6. Glosoli by Sigur Ros - This song just helps me fall asleep...every time, and that is worth a lot to me.

7. So Sorry by Feist - Who doesn't want to be Feist? I know I do...

8. Electric Feel by MGMT - "I love that song 'Kids'" "No...no....'Time to Pretend'" No fuck all of you, Electric Feel is where it's at...

9. Dead and Lovely by Tom Waits - What's more romantic than dying in the moonlight? Can you tell me?

10. Whalebones by Man Man - I think this band is amazing, they are amazing live and on record, it's fun, it's weird, it's interesting, and even though they are great at making chaotic and reckless sounding messes of songs, I think they also do amazing slower, stripped down ballads. But of course I am using the word ballad loosely. Anyways, this song is off of the newer album and I think it's even the last track...and it definitely stuck with me